Lessons in life and death

This year seems to have seen the loss of too many respected figures from the farming community, familiar faces missing from the sale ring and missed by friends and family. It seemed timely, with Grief Awareness Week in early December, to focus this month on loss, bereavement and grief. Despite being well versed in life and death as farmers, that doesn’t mean we are immune to feeling the emotional cost when someone (or something) we care for dies. Nor does it make it easier to know how to support those people who are bereaved. Understanding grief is a life skill few of us learn until faced with a bereavement. Given that we will all encounter people affected by grief at some point, building this skill makes sense.

Ways people cope

About 12 months ago the DPJ Foundation started running online sessions designed to help people in rural communities understand bereavement and grief. The sessions are for people who want to support others and covers the impact that bereavement can have on emotions, behaviours and wellbeing. It also includes advice about how to talk to and support those who are bereaved. These are some of the points that have been raised at these sessions:

1. Grief is not a straight-line, emotions fluctuate over time and it’s easy to be triggered back into grief, for example by a significant date, a smell or sound. People often need support over a long period.

2. Loneliness can be a consequence of grief (even when the bereaved person has family support), so staying in touch over time, particularly around the anniversary of the person’s death or birthday, can give vital support.

3. Saying the right thing and not avoiding it, particularly when someone has lost a loved one to suicide, is important. One person talked about receiving lots of condolence cards all saying the same thing, ‘sorry for your loss’ and ‘thinking of you’. However, they appreciated the cards most that mentioned fond memories of their loved one. Adding a personal touch, letting people know what their loved one meant to you can be comforting.

4. Whilst there are common themes, grief is an individual experience and will affect us all differently. Some people crave talking about the person they have lost; others find this almost impossible. Some will cry or rage, others feel numb. Try to be sensitive to what the individual wants and take your lead from them.

5.There is support for people who may be stuck in their grief and struggling to allow their life to grow again. The DPJ Foundation provides bereavement support through our Share the Load service and resources for people who are bereaved and there are also other organisations who provide support.

Be mindful

Having worked with people who have been bereaved, I know that allowing the emotions of our grief to the fore can be terrifying: what if you open the floodgates but can’t then shut them? It’s difficult to afford time for yourself when you have others to care for and a farm to run; so hard work can often become your therapy. This can work in the short term, but risks coming back in the future – so being mindful of doing what you need for now, but making time to allow your loss to be felt and asking for help if you need it, is vital.

Dealing with feelings of loss can be compared to a bottle of fizzy pop. We all know that if you shake a fizzy drink and just open the lid, you’ll get soaked. However, if you open and close the lid gently a few times allowing the air to escape, the pressure eases and you can take a drink safely. You can apply this to yourself: allowing time to feel your emotions in a controlled way, to avoid breaking down when you don’t want to. It’s ok to shout or cry if that’s what you feel but do it on your terms, in a safe and private environment. This can help with learning how to stop the tears or anger: by taking deep breaths and focussing on your breathing or distracting yourself by reciting a song, the 19 times table or spotting items in your vicinity. This can also help you feel more in control when you are in other situations.

Help with childhood grief

Alongside our training and counselling, we have developed a series of three picture books that can be used to help explain death and grief to children. A copy of these books will be available in your local school and library or can be obtained by contacting the DPJ Foundation either on 07984 169652 or emailing [email protected]

If you or someone you know would like to find out more about our services around bereavement, please contact me on [email protected] or 07984 169652 or call our Share the Load helpline confidentially on 0800 587 4262.

Share the Load Remember if you are going through a difficult time or know of someone who might be struggling and need support, please get in touch with out Share the Load helpline that's available 24/7 and is completely confidential. Call The DPJ Foundation on 0800 587 4262 or send a text message on 07860 048 799. It is confidential and you will only be asked for your first name.